Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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