I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
