i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
