I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I need help removing her.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
