My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
