Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
