So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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