um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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