He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
