Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
