also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
