We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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