I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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