Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
