Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
