Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
