I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
