And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
