If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he puts the penis in happiness.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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