you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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