I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
