I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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