I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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