Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize