I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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