I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
dude. I can hear the air.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
