Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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