The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
