can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
