my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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