How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This beer is not sobering me up at all
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
