The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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