my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
