last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
