oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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