I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
