How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
