dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
