did you get engaged???
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
