I am in a vortex of obligation.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
