I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
