I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
