My liver just broke up with me...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
