Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
