I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
