Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
