nut hugger
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
