this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
