The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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