textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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