I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
