I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
