This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
