drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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