Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize