I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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