if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
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I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
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These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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