dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
