He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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