there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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